Late-Night Hosts Take Aim At Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Immigration Scheme

Late-night's prominent entertainers devoted their evening ridiculing ex-President Donald Trump's newly unveiled immigration program, dubbed the "gold card," characterizing it as a blatant pay-to-play system for the affluent.

Colbert's Witty Analysis

Kicking off his broadcast, Stephen Colbert delivered a sardonic holiday tune targeting the commander-in-chief. "He is making a list, checking it twice, then giving that list to the people at ICE," he sang. "The President ... spoils everything he handles."

Colbert's target was the new initiative that permits international nationals to buy U.S. residence for an investment of one million dollars, or "premium" option for five million. An official website pledges approval "with unprecedented speed."

"One message here to rich applicants: prior to you fork over the cash, have you considered Canada?" Colbert remarked.

He noted that the card is also meant to "extract cash" from firms wishing to hire skilled workers, requiring hefty payments. "That is a lot of fees, though if you register, you also get free accommodation at a property of your choice – if it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he continued.

"Unprecedented screening the U.S. government has before done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to make sure these people truly qualify to be in America."

"That's important, you have to prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "First question: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Humorous Commentary

On his late-night program, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"This is a card that will allow affluent overseas citizens to live here," he stated. "In exchange for a million bucks, you get legal resident status, you get a route to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one significant crime of your choice."

"Perhaps it's time to revise that poem on the Statue of Liberty – to hell with your huddled masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he added.

Kimmel lampooned the lack of detail of the application, noting it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "sees citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"That's right, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "That's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you offer the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Grocery Struggles

Meanwhile, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's declining poll numbers during economic anxiety. "Voters gave Donald Trump a second term since they were angry about the economy," he noted.

Recently, in a attempt to address affordability, Trump held a briefing in front of a array of grocery items, and reacted oddly to boxes of cereal.

"What a nice job, I think I'm going to take a few of them with me to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump remarked. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a while."

"He's so fucking weird," Meyers reacted. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"

Meyers finished by targeting conservative media arguments of Trump's economic performance. "Perhaps rather than complaining, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to what FIFA did," he laughed.