Excessive Apologies: Strategies to End the Habit

As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.